The Naughtiest Little Curry Cracker

     We are about to reveal one of our dirty little secrets right now, just for you-- the secret spice formula for one of our very favorite snacks of all time.

          Let me tell you, Friends: Over the past few years, these quick n' easy, zippy-zesty snacky crackers have been in lusty demand by countless acquaintances, friends, family, strangers..... We manufacture them from time to time, often in enormous quantities. We never have leftovers.

          Officially entitled 'Masala-Ranch Oyster Crackers' -- we call em' Oysterz for short -- these lil' beauties be snappy, sassy, zesty, zippy, power-packed with surges of pleasurable spicing synergy. Although Oysterz don't need to be spicy-hot (Trina shamelessly ditches the prescribed cayenne), if you happen to be a 'hint of spice' kind of person, they are not for you.

           Oysterz are the sort of snack that makes friends. That being said, people have been known to sneakily stash them from plain view like captive spice-jewels. . . and not share any! (Yes, Jeremy, we know all about it!)

           And now the 'dirty secret' part -- Oysterz take, like, ten minutes to create. And it's soooo easy, we don't tell people how we do it. (e.g. "HOW can I make these for myself at home?" "Um, well, it's complicated...Hey, is that Gary Coleman over there?")

            Then we laugh to ourselves (inwardly) a la Woody Woodpecker.

Oysterz function superbly for:

• camping
• at the beach or under the boardwalk
• road tripping
• real-life Pac-Man re-enactments
• potlucks, parties, and picnics
• barbecues, after-bars, and bar mitvahs
• outdoor music concerts
• indoor/outdoor sports events ('Coach Tro' tells me, anyway)
• Poker/Texas Hold Em' tournaments
• bribing, blackmail, extortion, and the like
• sinus-clearing (for best results, try Trobee's Version, using 2 tablespoons of Kashmiri chili powder for the cayenne)
• whenever you are seized by The Munchies (You know what I'm talking about, yes you do!)

          Still with us? Well, well, then. Let's go.

R-E-C-I-P-E  B-R-E-A-K-D-O-W-N

It was a rare moment -- Trobee of the NC was simmering with spice insecurity.

"I just don't get why Trina's oyster crackers are so much better than mine every time lately," she whined.

I shrugged. Reading about Bob Dylan in the Rolling Stone. Busy.

Ok, Ok. (So much for Bob.) I had noticed this phenomenon myself: Trobee's oyster crackers were much...less flavorful than Trina's . Even though Trina and Trobee used the exact same spices (we carefully checked) for the no-brainer Oyster Crackers recipe, Trina's resulting munchies were fabulous and amazing, while Trobee's were only 'really good'.

The truth came out within five minutes.

The difference in the resulting flavor-effects was in the technique.

Trina had roasted the masala first (1/2 tsp cumin seeds, 1 tsp coriander seeds and 1/2 tsp asafetida). As soon as the spices had darkened a few shades and began to release their aroma, she'd dumped them into the coffee grinder, whizzed it into a powder, and mixed it into the oil seasoning. Like the recipe said.

Trobee, on the other hand, had been using cumin and coriander powders, adding them directly into the oil. No roasting. Like, seriously.

"That's it," I told her. "You're fired."

"I knew that!" she said." I knew it. I just... forgot..."

photos by Trobee

graphic by Mo Digital

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Masala-Ranch Oyster Crackers

• 1 package plain oyster crackers (10 oz.)
• 1 packet Hidden Valley Ranch 'Salad Dressing' dry seasoning
• ½ cup oil (sorry, less won’t work)
• 1-3 tsp cayenne (Trina uses none, Trobee tends to use more…)
• 1 tsp mango powder

Masala:

• 1 tsp coriander seeds
• ½ tsp cumin seeds
• ½ tsp asafetida

1. In a small skillet, dry roast the masala until the cumin seeds have darkened a few shades. Whizz to a powder in your coffee grinder. Set aside.
2. Get out a big bowl and a small bowl. In the big bowl, dump in the oyster crackers. In the small bowl, add the oil, ranch seasoning, cayenne, mango powder, and the ground masala. Whisk with a fork until seasonings are dissolved.
3. Pour the oil mixture over the oyster crackers and mix well so the crackers are coated evenly. (We use a rubber spatula)
4. Cover the bowl with cling wrap and wait about ten minutes for the little dudes to suck it up. Ready…set…chow!

UPDATE: We were greatly entertained by the spicy, sassy words from Sue of 'Ma Cooks'. Check out her post on Oysterz... 

"... And with this recipe, I got more quality and quantity for way less cash, with ten minutes of labor (if you can call it that, you mostly pour and stir). How cool is that? These would be a unique contribution to social events, if I can ever make them last long enough to get there. However, I would feel it my duty to warn my Minnesota friends that these mild mannered looking snacks are NOT for the tender palated. (Which means we don’t have to share with JL! Yippee!)

They can be made without the cayenne, but what I love! love! love! about them is that first you get a rapid succession of flavor bursts from the masala mix: salty, sour, savory then a tiny bit of quiet with the bland cracker underneath, then the sour grabs your tongue again and just when you are going whoaaaa, dude! (I am 47 years old and these things make me say dude) THEN you get the after-burn from the cayenne– which compels you to take a swig of your favorite carbonated beverage, rinse and repeat.

I did make one substitution: Mango powder, made from dried green mangos, is hard to find here. Even our Indian grocer looked at me like I was from another country (he does that alot) when I asked for it. Maybe I wasn’t using the right name. But we do have sour salt in the house, which is dried concentrated citrus; thus contributing mango powder’s souring effect, without simultaneously increasing liquid content. Besides, I can’t really imagine anyone taking a bite and asking “Hey, where’s the mango powder?” They’ll be too busy either calling 911 or sitting back and enjoying the psychodelicious tongue trip.

Dude. "